Let's catch up.

So, I haven't written in over a year and a half. Part of me is embarrassed that I have just left one of my passions catch dust. My family have been on at me for ages whether there will be a new blog post but I just haven't been able to get my mind it the right space for it.

But here we are, living in a global pandemic, 4,500 miles from home and I need to talk.

Like most people, COVID-19 has ruined plans and is also having an effect on my mental health. There it is, the buzz word of the decade.

2019 was an awful year for my family and I, full of loss and grief. I quite like to look at years as seperate entities and was looking forward to 2020 as being a bit of a fresh start; a year to enjoy life and make plans. LOL. No comment needed.

Since mid march, we, like the rest of the world, have been social distancing/in lockdown/ quarantining/(whatever you wanna call it.) In the beginning, in typical Meg fashion, I was totally optimistic. I was going to use lockdown as a time to enjoy my hobbies, study and enroll in loads of online courses and catch up on some netflix. It sounded heavenly, and naively I was looking forward to it. When again would we have all this free time?

It didn't take long for the novelty to wear off. The main thing I was struggling with was the lack of outside time and the constant sitting still. Since Sept 2019 we had really got stuck in to the gym and I had joined a netball team. Running about and exercising had given me a new burst of energy, so having that suddenly stop was difficult. We made sure we were getting outside as much as possible, but the UAE summer isn't kind to our English rose skin. 40 degree heat isn't fun.

As I work in a school, we were working from home using an online platform. This was really tough and I will never take for granted again being in the classroom with the little ones, covered in unidentifiable substances and having a throbbing headache from the noise. Having so much screen time and everyday being the same really took its toll and I found that after the school day I had no motivation to do anything for myself.

I found myself just saying 'whatever, I don't mind, it's up to you' to most questions as I had completely lost my sense of self. I didn't know what I liked anymore. I have so many hobbies and interests yet they were all boring me, to the point of annoyance. There were hours where I just went so sleep for a while because it was the only thing I could be bothered to do.

What was the most difficult was the sense of guilt that came with these feelings. I felt selfish for feeling so blue as I knew so many people were in worse situations. I was healthy, my friends and family were too, and everyone is is locked in, so I should 'woman up' and get on with it. Looking back, I know these intrusive thoughts are unhealthy and also NOT TRUE. I was constantly apologising to Ollie about my mood, which was never needed.

A global pandemic is something none of us has experience with. It is the unknown - something I don't deal with very well. I'm the type of person to study a menu for hours and know what I'm going to order weeks before we go to a restaurant! After months of beating myself up and feeling terrible about my pasty, lack of sunlight skin/hair/mood, I've decided to cut myself some slack.

One of my favourite quotes is from a Nina Nesbitt song - 'the sun will come up, the seasons will change.' Everything is temporary. We are living in a new normal, but eventually, we will get our own lives back.

Whilst I was originally heartbroken that our summer in Bali has had to be postponed, we have lots of things in 2021 to look forward to. I know that the 'grey days' which I have become so used to will appear from time to time. Instead of stressing about them and bullying myself for having them, I will just let them be. I can't be Little Miss Sunshine all the time.

My motivation to partake in hobbies hit a low point over the past few months, and I have missed writing so much. Journalling and blogging is my way of putting my mind in order. Maybe if I see it as a way of meditating and reflecting more than a hobby I will fall in love in writing once more.

Till next time, stay golden x